23 September 2007

Am I backsliding?

I seemed to be driving a car that has no more petrol and power. I stepped on the accelerator but the car does not speed up. No power. No drive. I can't seem to start this spiritual vehicle.

Spiritually wise, I do not get much out from the Word. Certainly not like what I used to get. My prayer life is just about 1-2 minutes a day. IDT is a "going through the routine" for me - no preparations, just go by flair. Ministry - none existent. Every Sunday is a chore for me - to wake up 3 other sleepy persons who grudgingly go along with me. Sometimes, honestly, I wish I don't need to go.

Am I backsliding? Have I fallen so far back and down that I'm beyond hope and restoration?

I seemed to have died spiritually on March 2006. That was the day that I left full time service in the church. After that, everything seemed to be downhill. I have not really recovered since. There is no more spiritual zest or life in me. I am like a walking zoombie in the spiritual world.

In the workplace, things are better for me. I have recovered somewhat financially and seemed to fit in well in the workplace. The colleagues are great and the bosses "passable". In fact, I have even been promoted to the function head position for time tabling.

It's only in the spiritual aspect that I have died. I see my fellow IDT members - some are faithfully memorising the Word and evangelising. The sad thing is that when I hear it - I have no response. It did not stirred me up. I am still nonchalant.

Today I saw the obituary pages. One of them has this verse from Paul, "I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith." 2Tim. 4:7. I fear that in the days to come, I may not be able to say that I have kept the faith or finished the race. I wanted to finish well. In fact, perseverance has always been my greatest trait. I always aspire to be like Caleb, to be faithful and strong. My greatest strength has been tested and found wanting. Now it is slipping away.

I want to, yet I have no strength to run on. Why? What would be helpful for me to recover? Is it unforgiveness? It has been 17 months now.

Lord, please be gracious to me and let me run again.

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